The Fight for Beauty
from Beautiful Movements added 19 June, 2009 at 11:40 PM
We have all at one point or another looked in the mirror and not liked the reflection staring back at us. There have been many moments I’ve obsessed over belly bulge and boob size. I’ve battled acne prone skin and fought the fight to be the image on every magazine cover. In some ways I can say I’ve been to hell and back when it comes to body image and the mental dialogue that goes along with it. Since you asked for it…J here is my story.
I came from a family of men who obsessed over Pamela Anderson. She had the skinny, tight body, big, fake boobs and bleach blonde hair that was to die for. I would soak in the bathtub after dancing all day and pray to one day be blessed with the same genetic makeup. I was already fantasizing about looking like someone other then me. The image of the entertainment industry had already affected me.
At school I was constantly being made fun of for my big, sloped nose and flat chest. I’d wear big bras with push up pads to give myself confidence. My plan backfired and I was the girl that stuffed her bra as well as the girl with the flat chest. In my mind I was going to get a boob job and nose job as soon as I could afford it.
Stepping foot into the working world of dance brought on more challenges. When I worked on Cruise Ships I’d dwell in homesickness by eating big bags of starburst at night, dove into desserts, and ate huge helpings. I gained enough weight that costumes were bursting at the seams and zippers wouldn’t even zip during shows. I was contractually obligated to remain the same weight I was when I was hired at 118 pounds. At this point in my life I stared down at the scales through blurry, tear filled eyes at a scale that read 139.
Cruise ships taught me that working out and watching what I eat would be a part of my life forever since I chose my line of work. After moving to Los Angeles and feeling lonely, scared and sorry for myself, I found comfort in gallons of ice cream, boxes of powdered sugar doughnuts, and packages of candy. I’d often eat an entire box or gallon in one sitting. Then the guilt of what I just ate would set in.
At one of my lowest points in body image I tried to make myself throw up. I stuck my fingers down my throat, gagged a few times and was left with blood filled eyeballs due to bursting blood vessels in my eyes from straining. Embarrassment set in every time someone asked what happened. The truth would burn my soul as I’d lie and say, “I sneezed really hard and it broke blood vessels in my eyes”. My conclusion to myself was that God was warning me to find another way.
The next big milestone in self-acceptance was acne. The smog in Los Angeles and the stresses over paying bills and booking jobs made for a deadly combination. I had developed a severe case of cystic acne. Cysts are extremely painful and they were all over my cheeks, chin, and forehead. Even a makeup brush touching my face hurt so badly I’d want to cry. Every night I would twist a blanket into a doughnut and place my face over the hole in the middle so my acne filled cheeks wouldn’t touch any surfaces. This would alleviate the pain so that I could sleep soundly. It was when my acne became a problem for the Pussycat Dolls brand that I sought after major treatments.
It was brought to my attention that if I didn’t take care of my problem I would be edited out of videos. I tried every method there was available to treat my skin. Pro Active was my godsend for 3 months until my skin became immune to it. I tried Natures Call, chemical peels, and every ointment available over the counter and Doctor prescribed. I visited Sonya Dakaar due to her reputation for giving celebrities beautiful complexions and I loved her products. She required ten thousand dollars to start and bi-weekly appointments to guarantee clear skin. I couldn’t afford that nor did I have the time. Finally I took high doses of accutane as a last resort. Giving blood once a month was a requirement for the drug. The doctors had to monitor my organs to make sure they didn’t fail due to the poison I was feeding my body. I spent thousands of dollars I didn’t have every month to fix my problem and nothing seemed to work. Weekly facials including painful extractions, micro-dermabrasions and bacteria killing tools is how I maintained somewhat clear looking skin. Still to this day I visit a dermatologist regularly, get extractions and facials, fraxel laser treatments to treat my scars, take birth control pills to manage my hormones and estrogen and still deal with somewhat problematic skin. But after all I have endured, I’m thankful for a few pimples and breakouts here and there.
Being healthy is a lifestyle change that’s not about what other people think but about how you feel on the inside. When I feel good about myself I’m less likely to pig out on Snickers, Twix, and ice cream. I made a pact with myself years ago to stop looking for, “the easy way out,” and dedicated myself to the discipline of making good food choices and working out regularly. Understanding more about nutrition gives me the knowledge to make better choices. High fructose corn syrup and processed foods is a huge NO when it comes to diet, they are sure to pack on the pounds. Instead of sugar filled candies I choose my favorite fruits instead. When eating out I make a point to always say no to fried foods and opt for a healthier choice like steamed vegetables or a side salad. If neither option is available then I just don’t get a side item. Water is important to flush your system and get rid of all toxins. I hate water but I know the importance and guzzle it down. I also know that when you feel hungry it is often because you are dehydrated. Try drinking water before you go for a snack. I have always been an over eater. I don’t know when to say enough is enough when I’m eating really good food. So now I listen to my body when I am eating. When I feel full I put my napkin over the rest of my food to ensure I don’t overeat.
I am blessed that my job involves a lot of cardio. When I have time off in LA I’m either running a few miles a day, hiking Runyan Canyon or working out with my trainer. I enjoy being outdoors and beautiful views. It’s all about finding what routine works best for you. So take the things you love in life like music, outdoors, friends, running, circuit training, kick-boxing, dancing, sports, rollerblading and choose your workout wisely. I often switch it up so I don’t get bored.
I live to be happy and healthy and I believe that exercise is not only good for your physique but is phenomenal in maintaining a stress free life. Through soul searching and self-discovery I learned to love myself. I see myself as different and unique. I no longer feel the need to look like Pamela Anderson because I accept my reflection in the mirror and I have learned to love my differences, my small boobs, my sloped nose, and my athletic body. I don’t think anyone is “perfect”. Although people can paint a pretty picture on magazine covers at some point their flaws will surface. The only way to be comfortable in your skin is to live in your own skin. Comparisons are the root of envy.
“Be your own beautiful self.”
kimberlykaye
wrote 5 months and 1 day ago
Comments
Emmaa09x said 3 months and 23 days ago:
i read this blog a while ago and i thought it was really touching, i think everyone especially in teenage years has a point in there life where they struggle with self confidence and to be the same as the people we see on magazines. in my a level dance class we are doing a physical theatre (drama/ dance) piece thats based around inner beauty and 'its whats on the inside that counts' and i looked back at this blog for inspiration because i remember you making it. i has really helped and gave me loads of ideas that i can share with my class, so thanks for making such a wonderful blog, iloveyou kim x x x
Fallenangel said 3 months and 24 days ago:
Kim, come on now! lsurely being in the worlds sexiest girl group hasnt proved the power over your looks.I think we have all had a ugly point in our lifes,when we have gone through bad times. I met you in the masterclass today,you hardly had any make up on( like you needed to!) and i couldnt see any difference than what you look like in your music videos,your flawless and stunning! I for one wished I looked like you,who needs to look like Pamela when you look like you do! and if you dont think that now, id get hypnotised!its not beauty treatments you need.xx
Janurka said 4 months and 6 days ago:
Kim, thanks for this such an awesome blog.
Finally I get time for commenting.
Well. Since I was a little girl I've wanted to be a dancer. I started when I was 3 and my day was so full. My dad wanted me to play tennis so I had 12 hours of sports aerobic, 4 hours of majorettes and 6 hours of tennis in a week. I think it makes my body skinny and because of my "beautiful" body I had a term when I wanted to be a model. Everything was ok but when I started to go to school it was a little bit problem because I went from school to tennis, from tennis to aerobic and I came home about 8 pm and I went to sleep. When I didnt have a training I had some competitions. I have to say that it makes my soul so happy because when I was dancing it was the one and only moments I felt I am beautiful. I still felt I am so dirty because of a problem which happened to me. I had a shower about 4 times per a day. When I came home and looked in the mirror and I was like: "OMG! What is this? My foot are splay and my upper lip is too small!".. It was even worse when I had to start wear glasses and screw-jack. People at school screamed "Ugly duckling", "Scrag" or "Sloe-eyed"... I always came home and cried. When I became a teenage girl I had to end with dancing and suddenly I was fatter and fatter. I ate, ate and ate because I couldnt dance and I think that food will help me. I had fat everywhere on my body. I have the biggest boobs in my class and I can say that I wish I had the smallest. I always admire you because of your body and when my mom said me, that I was allowed to go to the USA to meet you I was like:"No way! I have to lose some weight!".. My mom was like:"Why?".. And I was like:"I want Kim to likes me!" *shy* 1 week ago I came from Podebrady. It is a spa. I was there for losing weight. They teached us to eat healthy and I can say I am proud of me because it wasnt problem for me. I lost about 7 kg's (it is like 15 pounds) and I have to lose another 10 kg's (20 pounds).. I hope that everything will be going great and I think it wont be a problem. I had to have about 110 pounds to be healthy and normal. I try to dont eat and when I lose all weight I have to I'll start to eat healthy. :) It will be hard because I absolutely love sweets.. haha In September I'll be teaching dancing.. I cant wait because it'll be with my big idol and it is another reason for losing weight..:)
"my big, sloped nose and flat chest"
My friend Bara absolutely loves you.. Because of her I became a pcd fan and she's blond hair and she always says:"Look at my nose.. It is so big and sloped... and my chest is absolutely flat!".. She think the same like you did. :D But it isnt true. I love your and her body and I love your and her nose.. I dont think there is something bad on it.. :)
Acne. Mmmm. Yes. It is about 2 months ago I started to have a big problem with it and I dont know what I can do.. I have to use about a tonne of make-up to cover it. :(
"I tried to make myself throw up. I stuck my fingers down my throat, gagged a few times..."
My mom pukes often. She always doesnt eat for 2 weeks, then she eats a lot and after it she pukes. I dont know how to help her. When I wanna talk to her about it she screams that she isnt unhelathy and refuses expert help. I havent anybody to helps me with her but I have to help her but how? :(
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Buddha
“If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred.” Walt Whitman
“Our body is…a vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” Buddha
“Every achiever I have ever met says, "My life turned around when I began to believe in me." Robert Schuller
Ciara-loves-pcd said 4 months and 12 days ago:
That must have been hard for you to write Kimberly so thank you :). . . i know how its feels to look in a mirror and not like whats staring back at you. . . but everyone finds faults in themsevles. . .because nobody is perfect. . . you can only be perfect when you find no faults within yourself if that makes any sence to anyone lol. . . xo xo xo
liz-auzzifan06 said 4 months and 16 days ago:
wow...
thanks Kimberly for that...i know for some ppl 'stereotypical' beauty come easy for them. bt i thought it was an amazin and inspiring of you to share that cos not many 'celebrities' (even tho u don't think urself that way') wld do that, being the 'bigger person' within yourself and overcoming ur personal demons, you are givin us all belief and confidence within ourself to be US..
you are unbelievably amazing
xxoo liz
Dillon-MLT said 4 months and 19 days ago:
Thanks for sharing kimberly you are helping us to be confident and to accept more ourselves for who we are :)
Thanks a lot
tipttt said 4 months and 20 days ago:
You truly are an inspiration for any human being.
If someone had come up with that story without me knowing who wrote it, I would have tought it was the work of someone living in a ghetto with an income of 2500 bucks a year.
By seeing what you are now and knowing what you've been trough, I can't do otherwise but admire you.
You give hope to people, and you are helping me believe in myself back again.
For that, I thank you.
LanceJonesMusic said 4 months and 21 days ago:
Come on Kim let me see your chest! lol remember when I used to always ask you that? jhahajhahnaha!!!
Girl, Ive always loved your look, disposition, talent, and sweet soul.
You have been hard on yourself! But you disciplinary choices are sooo respectable. Im doing the same for myself.
Stay on top Kim! you deserve it!
I always feel better about myself when I maintain discipline. The hard works pays off way more than the lack of discipline! just knowing you made the effort works wonders in your life!
Much Love! Your old fried that took you in when life was pretty wack!, Lance
ZackRice said 4 months and 21 days ago:
This is by far, the best blog I have ever read Kim. Myself, struggle with acne problems, and such, and its so nice to have someone like you express to me, and the whole BM site that frankly..its just okay. Its a part of life, and there's nothing you can do about it.
I have accepted myself the way that I am, and the way that God himself created me. If God didn't want me to develop acne, he wouldn't have put it on my face. I believe every situation happens for a reason. Beautiful or not, its life.
Thanks once again Kim for all that you do. You give hope to me, when no one else does. I'm so grateful. <3
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Thought you guys might like to read this...I wrote it quite some time ago now but it seems so relevant to this conversation.
The person who faces the world outside is simply a character, playing the part of no-one in particular. She is, however, the main focus on this particular stage. She projects pleasurable imagery through her actions, smiles and laughter, whilst creating a warm atmosphere to appease the audience. Those who are willing to look beyond the deliberately portrayed attributes of her character shall perhaps deduce that there is far more to her than meets the eye.
The carefree attitude she creatively expresses does truly exist within her but not, it seems, in the ways she would have us believe. We see a happy, contented and intelligent young lady who has survived a turbulent start to her life and who is now ready to ride on the crest of a wave; so many dreams and ambitions await her at the shore. We envy her strength, courage, resilience. Throughout her life her carefree attitude has been gradually quashed. It now lies in her soul, awaiting it's re-birth. All the while, she smiles on.
In fact, she smiles through an inner pain and a fear that she cannot shake. She smiles because her heart and soul crave happiness. She has built a belief that her expressions of positive energy will create a positive environment for those around her which will, in turn, satisfy her own cravings. However, it is not enough to merely express happiness for it to effectively radiate to others. It must be felt.
She does not care to be judged, yet she knows that she is. Her desire for others to change stems from her desire to change herself. She so desperately craves inner peace and satisfaction, yet she continues to salvage the lives of others, sacrificing her life for theirs. Her belief that if she smiles the world will smile too, has been shattered as a result.
Individuals account for society. One person's actions can greatly affect another's. By becoming more accepting of ourselves, and by developing our ability to listen and understand one another, we can develop the ability to live peacefully. The world can only smile if the inhabitants are truly happy, and only they can create their individual happiness. So when this young lady is satisfied within herself and can smile with a clear and open heart, her carefree attitude shall be reincarnated. It will reveal it's true self. Her true self. She shall no longer feel judged. She will no longer have to appease her audience. She will have gained self-acceptance, be able to unravel the chains of fear that surround her, and will walk to collect her dreams from the shore