The Fight for Beauty
from Beautiful Movements added 19 June, 2009 at 11:40 PM
We have all at one point or another looked in the mirror and not liked the reflection staring back at us. There have been many moments I’ve obsessed over belly bulge and boob size. I’ve battled acne prone skin and fought the fight to be the image on every magazine cover. In some ways I can say I’ve been to hell and back when it comes to body image and the mental dialogue that goes along with it. Since you asked for it…J here is my story.
I came from a family of men who obsessed over Pamela Anderson. She had the skinny, tight body, big, fake boobs and bleach blonde hair that was to die for. I would soak in the bathtub after dancing all day and pray to one day be blessed with the same genetic makeup. I was already fantasizing about looking like someone other then me. The image of the entertainment industry had already affected me.
At school I was constantly being made fun of for my big, sloped nose and flat chest. I’d wear big bras with push up pads to give myself confidence. My plan backfired and I was the girl that stuffed her bra as well as the girl with the flat chest. In my mind I was going to get a boob job and nose job as soon as I could afford it.
Stepping foot into the working world of dance brought on more challenges. When I worked on Cruise Ships I’d dwell in homesickness by eating big bags of starburst at night, dove into desserts, and ate huge helpings. I gained enough weight that costumes were bursting at the seams and zippers wouldn’t even zip during shows. I was contractually obligated to remain the same weight I was when I was hired at 118 pounds. At this point in my life I stared down at the scales through blurry, tear filled eyes at a scale that read 139.
Cruise ships taught me that working out and watching what I eat would be a part of my life forever since I chose my line of work. After moving to Los Angeles and feeling lonely, scared and sorry for myself, I found comfort in gallons of ice cream, boxes of powdered sugar doughnuts, and packages of candy. I’d often eat an entire box or gallon in one sitting. Then the guilt of what I just ate would set in.
At one of my lowest points in body image I tried to make myself throw up. I stuck my fingers down my throat, gagged a few times and was left with blood filled eyeballs due to bursting blood vessels in my eyes from straining. Embarrassment set in every time someone asked what happened. The truth would burn my soul as I’d lie and say, “I sneezed really hard and it broke blood vessels in my eyes”. My conclusion to myself was that God was warning me to find another way.
The next big milestone in self-acceptance was acne. The smog in Los Angeles and the stresses over paying bills and booking jobs made for a deadly combination. I had developed a severe case of cystic acne. Cysts are extremely painful and they were all over my cheeks, chin, and forehead. Even a makeup brush touching my face hurt so badly I’d want to cry. Every night I would twist a blanket into a doughnut and place my face over the hole in the middle so my acne filled cheeks wouldn’t touch any surfaces. This would alleviate the pain so that I could sleep soundly. It was when my acne became a problem for the Pussycat Dolls brand that I sought after major treatments.
It was brought to my attention that if I didn’t take care of my problem I would be edited out of videos. I tried every method there was available to treat my skin. Pro Active was my godsend for 3 months until my skin became immune to it. I tried Natures Call, chemical peels, and every ointment available over the counter and Doctor prescribed. I visited Sonya Dakaar due to her reputation for giving celebrities beautiful complexions and I loved her products. She required ten thousand dollars to start and bi-weekly appointments to guarantee clear skin. I couldn’t afford that nor did I have the time. Finally I took high doses of accutane as a last resort. Giving blood once a month was a requirement for the drug. The doctors had to monitor my organs to make sure they didn’t fail due to the poison I was feeding my body. I spent thousands of dollars I didn’t have every month to fix my problem and nothing seemed to work. Weekly facials including painful extractions, micro-dermabrasions and bacteria killing tools is how I maintained somewhat clear looking skin. Still to this day I visit a dermatologist regularly, get extractions and facials, fraxel laser treatments to treat my scars, take birth control pills to manage my hormones and estrogen and still deal with somewhat problematic skin. But after all I have endured, I’m thankful for a few pimples and breakouts here and there.
Being healthy is a lifestyle change that’s not about what other people think but about how you feel on the inside. When I feel good about myself I’m less likely to pig out on Snickers, Twix, and ice cream. I made a pact with myself years ago to stop looking for, “the easy way out,” and dedicated myself to the discipline of making good food choices and working out regularly. Understanding more about nutrition gives me the knowledge to make better choices. High fructose corn syrup and processed foods is a huge NO when it comes to diet, they are sure to pack on the pounds. Instead of sugar filled candies I choose my favorite fruits instead. When eating out I make a point to always say no to fried foods and opt for a healthier choice like steamed vegetables or a side salad. If neither option is available then I just don’t get a side item. Water is important to flush your system and get rid of all toxins. I hate water but I know the importance and guzzle it down. I also know that when you feel hungry it is often because you are dehydrated. Try drinking water before you go for a snack. I have always been an over eater. I don’t know when to say enough is enough when I’m eating really good food. So now I listen to my body when I am eating. When I feel full I put my napkin over the rest of my food to ensure I don’t overeat.
I am blessed that my job involves a lot of cardio. When I have time off in LA I’m either running a few miles a day, hiking Runyan Canyon or working out with my trainer. I enjoy being outdoors and beautiful views. It’s all about finding what routine works best for you. So take the things you love in life like music, outdoors, friends, running, circuit training, kick-boxing, dancing, sports, rollerblading and choose your workout wisely. I often switch it up so I don’t get bored.
I live to be happy and healthy and I believe that exercise is not only good for your physique but is phenomenal in maintaining a stress free life. Through soul searching and self-discovery I learned to love myself. I see myself as different and unique. I no longer feel the need to look like Pamela Anderson because I accept my reflection in the mirror and I have learned to love my differences, my small boobs, my sloped nose, and my athletic body. I don’t think anyone is “perfect”. Although people can paint a pretty picture on magazine covers at some point their flaws will surface. The only way to be comfortable in your skin is to live in your own skin. Comparisons are the root of envy.
“Be your own beautiful self.”
kimberlykaye
wrote 5 months and 2 days ago
Comments
marsya said 4 months and 27 days ago:
hola kim..
I think it's your best writing. I see so many comments about it.
Many people have the same problem like you. I think it's humane.
Thank you for sharing you thought that helps us to be our own beautiful self.
Thx for beautiful movements as a place to share our happiness and sadness.
love you so, Kim...
XOXO
adik-ct89 said 4 months and 27 days ago:
PAMELA ANDERSON?? really dont understand what men are looking for..they just ignore the pure charms for the fake beauty. kimmy, for me you are not only an awe inspiring performer and dancer, but you have a power that not everybody in this world earn it in their life.not even me! your natural beauty isn't measured form your physical.it comes deeply from your heart. pure heart! i only get know you from videos, pictures and whatsoever mediums, but i can feel the real and the beauty of you just from your KILLER smiles, and the way you treat the person who really appreciate you.you communicate, give supports and shares all that you have with them which is almost impossible for the other stars to do the same things like you do.despite i'm not the lucky one that may get your attention, but i'm the lucky one for being a member of BM, the place that i can express all my feelings n sharing the pieces of me. i know that you've tried your best to fulfil your fan's demands.whatever you do, we, your armies, will keep supporting you in whatever circumstance!before this i keep asking myself, what kind of profits i will gain for adoring you doll...? now i got the answer. thank you KIMBERLY KAYE WYATT, for giving us BEAUTIFUL MOVEMENTS!
~ stay healthy kim, love yourself cause we love you soo...sooo..much!
rosekler said 4 months and 27 days ago:
Woooooooow.... I think I saw a record ... lalalalala !!!!! \o/ A - M - A - Z - I - N - G \o/
I'm so proud to write your comment number 101 \o/
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." ( Herm Albright )
Ops... I think it happened to me !!!!! *-* lol
Saying that this blog means a lot to me, is not exaggeration... I can't stop to read and remember everything that happened in my life and in the lives of the people I love because of this amazing blog. Oh man.... I wanna take a picture of this blog and hang on the wall of my room, just for look at it when I wake up and feel me inspired by your strength of will, determination and courage to share your life well this way. Is incredible to see how people felt touched by what you said - although that's not surprise me, all your blogs are so touching - and this blog is beautiful. It allow people to come here, open your heart and speak your own truth! I say that this blog, as well as all BM's Vlogs and Blogs, is my therapy ... and you are the best "psychologist". \o/ Awesome *-*
OBRIGADA, KIM !! ( thanks, Kim )
"A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before the change" ( Earl Nightingale )
muaaaaaah ;* Love you !!
TaylorAnn-PCD said 4 months and 27 days ago:
This is one of the reasons why i love you so much.
Your ability to open up to all of us and be so honest.
i see the truth in your writing and i can relate to the truth.
i remember a time in my life about 1 year ago when i was feeling very depressed i tried to make myself throw up because i convinced myself that i was fat ! it was a really low point in my life. A lot of girls at school were being bitchy and started calling me fat...and eventually i started to believe them.
But i wasnt fat...i have always been slim. It was just their way of getting into my head and making me feel self conscious about the way i look.
Each day we are faced with visions of what we believe to be perfection - big boobs, skinny bodies, perfect skin - but i think everybody is perfect.
Its our diffences that make us who we are..and whats more perfect than that?
This website has helped me so much to embrace my differences and accept who i am. Because i know now that being myself just might be good enough :)
Thank you for writing such a beautiful blog.Your a beautiful person both inside & out <3
xoxo
Lisalovespcd said 4 months and 27 days ago:
Wot an amazing blog, Im speachless! I had no idea u went through any of these things!
Wen i was at school i got bullied, a lot! Because of the colour of my hair, Im a red head lol! and everyday i wld go home and tell my mum so and so called me this today and I everytime i wanted to dye my hair so noone wld pick on me! bt wen i left skl it all changed! I didnt have anyone calling me nasty things and i felt better about myself! I look in the mirror now and i like the way i look and i like the colour of my hair!
I also used to be really stick thin, its not that i didnt eat cos i did haha, a lot of sweets and my friends wld say ur sooo skinny,u never pt on weight! and now im not the skinniest bt im slim! bt there is a lot of times i dnt eat cos i want to loose weight and look thinner, im trying my best to eat more fruits and healthier things and sometimes it works bt depends wot kinda mood im in! some days i wld eat junk all day and regret it all lol! I do a lot of walking and dancing so im geting regular exercise!
Thank u soo much for all u have done, every blog u have wrote, they r soo inspiring and amazing! Ur the best, U have tought me to believe in myself and to feel good on the inside as well as on the outside! In my eyes ur one of the most beautiful, prettiest girls ever!
Im now proud to be a red head lol!:D
Truth is beauty: and beauty is truth!
Love u with all my heart!
All my Love
Lisaxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
callumhghes said 4 months and 28 days ago:
WOW, you are soooo wise beyond your years! You inspire me so much, I go through hard times CONSTANTLY with my image, teasing and my problematic skin, knowing that someone that has gone through something similar and come out as on top as you have has given me such a burst of confidence Kim! Thankyou! :D xxx
rosekler said 4 months and 28 days ago:
"As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you ” ( Oprah Winfrey )
OMG... Thank you so much for all your amazing words on my Blog, thank you for "The fight for beauty". thank you for BM !! You made me cry.... *-* I can't find the exactly words to say how your comment on my blog meant to me, you are so amazing !!! Kim, I thought milion times before write this blog... I think it was one of the hardest things I wrote. As I said there, I was so nervous and I thought I would not have the right to share something that is not mine... At the same time I thought " I need to share it with Kim and my BM family, after all, Kim started it" =)
Thank God my friend encouraged me and asked me to write this blog to share her story !! I'm so happy now, I'm feeling realized !! I know will not be easy but i'm not afraid, not anymore !! Here I have all support that I need to make good things happen.. People need to know the power of this place !! Yeah.. We can be the change we wish to see in the world.. I believe !! I think It's my duty to help her out... Kim, You are my inspiration for do it... you are my angel!!! I believe every one have your own beautiful movements inside! Here, all beautiful movements together become a strong chain of love and compassion. That's why I'm so thankful for you and I'm so grateful for my BM family !!!!
Thank you so much, my sunshine !! You made my day *-*
I will always be here to support you and support BM !!
Love you *-* muaaaaaaaaaaaaah ;*
"The most beautiful things in the universe are the starry heavens above us and the feeling of duty within us." ( Indian proverb )
PCdoll420 said 4 months and 28 days ago:
Kimdoll! I was so glad to read this. I have always struggled with my self esteem and weight, I've always had curves which made me feel HUGE in a size 7 in high school surrounded by all these size 0-2's around. Also, I was on the opposite side of the boob spectrum, I was a 34DD in middle school up into my 20's. I wanted to have the lean sleek cheerleader/Dancer bodies. It seems we all have our insecurities, it's nice to hear you voice yours. I sit here looking at you girls and want to be you. I sit here and imagine your "perfect" lives. Having a job that is in my eyes the dream job, getting to travel all around the world, being just some of the most beautiful girls on the planet!, meeting all kinds of people, being able to buy extravagant items. In all reality, that is not the case, we always think the grass is greener on the other side. THANK YOU for being real and being you!! You are a total inspiration and I hope you girls never stop making music!!!! Your words have really helped me a great deal!
PCdoll420 said 4 months and 28 days ago:
Kimberly, it was very inspiring to read this! I love your blogs and videos. It shows how real you are. I look at you and wish I were you!! It's humbling to hear that you also strived to look like someone on a magazine cover. We think that person on the magazine cover has the perfect life, body, everything!! You can buy whatever you want and so on..........But it's in fact quite
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Hi Kim!
So glad to read that!
You know I'm looking at your pictures and I couldn't even think about you beeing overweight or having acne or just not beeing perfect ( I really think you are perfect ). To get to this perfection you had to work hard and still working on everyday!
Just like you I am usually overeating and I can't control myself if there's something good in front of me. About a year ago I was almost weighting 200 pounds, and I'm only 5,9. And on christmas, when I saw my family that I havn't seen for about two years (I was gone west to learn my english... still learning) and their reaction when they saw me was : Oh my god you've gain weight you're so chubby... and before that I didn't really bother about my weight... but on this christmas everyone was telling me I've gain weight... a lot!! After that I started not to like myself... I was looking at myself in the mirror and I didn't like what I was seeing... You know after that I started to feel that girls wern't looking at me anymore.... I use to be popular even when I was overweight... Couple of weeks after christmas I watch the movie never back down and I looked at Cam Gigandet and honestly I wanted to be him... I know guys usually don't say that stuff but I really wanted to be as ripped as he is. And after that I start to buy the magasine men's health and looking at the tips they were giving and everything. I start being more active, started to workout bought myself a bike start moving and everything... And I've lost 30 pounds in the blink of an eye. I am still not as ripped as Cam is but I still have to workout a lot... and I also know I won't ever be him! Also I got scars from past surgery and everytime you are lookign at magasines, guys doesn't have scars... But this story made me learn two things. First,If you don't love yourself, you are less likely to be like but other peoples ( parents doesn't count :P ) . It's not about how you look but how you like yourself the way you look. And the second thing I've learned is: It's good for you to have models if these peoples can push you to be a better person as long as you know and you accept the fact that you will always be yourself and not them...it's okay to be inspired by people, but not okay to try to be someone else! ;)
So I'm still working on myself and making sure I'm not eating too much and I try to keep on moving, being active, doing a lot of sport. But I don't want to be Cam anymore, I'm just Inspired... And maybe someday I'll be the one inspiring other people!
Thats was my story! :P
And kim you've inspired me too! I'm a big fan of yours... always been always will... and My wish is that someday I'll be a famous actor so I will belive in my dream, really keep on beliving no matter what people around are telling me, I'll do what I need to do to realise my dreams!
Thanks for being yourself!
Thanks for giving me hope when it seems hopeless!!
Thanks For being So pretty!!
And Keep on being the best dancer I've had the chance to watch in my entire life!!
Big Fan Forever!
Nick!!