Since I was 18 I've helped provide for my family. My father was a doctor but had a car accident and couldn't work anymore. My mother has a chronic condition that has only gotten worse, and she hasn't been able to work for years. When his accident happened happened we lost our house and any insurance that covered us but more importantly, what covered my mom's doctor bills and surgeries. I was a sophomore in college and suddenly felt the weight of a family on my shoulders. My younger sister was in her first year of school and in April, she found out that she was pregnant. I cried in my dorm room that night wondering why God was bringing a baby into a family that couldn't pay any bills. I am a Christian and I have faith in him, but these past few years have been difficult. Years went on and so did the struggles. If there were bills that needed to be paid, I did it. I bought my parents food when the shelves were empty.

I would worry so much, I wouldn't be able to sleep much at night. I didn't earn much, but whatever I did, I gave to them. Throughout all of this, I have been able to have many great experiences. I've been to Brazil twice on mission trips that I raised the funds for. I was blessed to be able to go but the whole time I was gone I felt guilty for not being home to take care of things. Last summer, I left home for another summer job and cried while saying goodbye to my dad. Around the same time, my older sister was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Still, I knew that I was the strong one in the family. My sisters came to me when they had problems and so did my parents. I am the only one in my family that believes the way I do and because of it, I'm always the last to find out about things. Strangely enough, after I'm told about what's happening, I'm the one everyone comes to for help, advice or a listening ear. I don't regret being in this position, it just gets hard sometimes.

In February of this year, I learned that my mother left my dad to go into an abuse shelter. My father was verbally abusive at times, and their relationship was really getting bad. She also went in to get help with her childhood. When she was younger, her own father had abused her until she was 15. In April, my father had finally decided he was going to move to Texas with his family in hopes of finding a job there. He had eluded to the fact that mom was going with him because things were getting better. One day, I took off work to go help him pack. He sounded so stressed and tired trying to do it all by himself. I went home to suprise him and for the first time, he got mad that I was there. I waited for him for 2 hours and when he finally pulled in, he had another woman driving the car. He took me inside and explained to me that this woman had been staying with him and they had been sleeping together since mom had left. What made it worse was that I knew her. She takes drugs and pain pills for any type of high she can get and she would sleep with anyone to get it. I also learned that my dad abused pain medication. For the next two hours, I didn't know who I was. I sceamed, cried, said every word in the book and punched the wall until my knuckles bled. I'm not that person and I've never acted that way. If anything, I'm the shy one in the family. Later that day, my dad had taken more pain pills. I walked into the room and he had them all over the floor. Still crying, I spent the next 45 minutes trying to pick his body off of the floor. I didn't know if he had overdosed, and his head was bleeding from hitting it on the floor.

He left my mother abandoned in an abuse shelter. He told me that I was worth losing for this other woman. After everything I have done for him, and I'm his daughter, he told me I was worth losing if it meant that he could be with this other woman. I don't care how old you are, having your father tell you that is heartbreaking. I haven't trusted love since. It's hard to trust that I'm loveable because my own father feels I'm not worthy of his anymore. My friends have tried to break through these walls I have built up but it's been so hard and honestly I'm afraid to let them. I'm trying to rely on God as best I can. I'm starting to wear out.

So this is my story. Positivity is something that's seriously lacking in my life right now, as well as my own sense of self confidence. When I found this site, I was excited to see a place where people can express themselves freely. So that's it, all out in the open. Sharing it is scary, but it's helpful at the same time. Thanks BM family for making me feel comfortable here.